When Emotional work gets too heavy, we cry out for help.
Using the Transactional Analysis “Parent-Adult-Child Model”…and some facts-of-life thinking:
- when we are first born, we are helpless yet we have a built-in talent for crying out for help,
- we use that talent from the start…we cry out for help,
- we learn – crying out for help works…it’s a successful way to get attention,
- we learn more – crying out for help actually brings the help we desire…food, comfort, other essentials,
- we develop a habit…crying out for help,
- when we are toddlers we notice something very surprising…we notice the word “No” and all the body language that comes with the word “No”,
- we do not like that word “No”…it goes against our natural desires: food, comfort, curiosity, etc.,
- we resist the word “No”,
- we learn resistance can be futile, and
- we learn – all of us, to carrying degrees learn – how to adapt new behaviours that help us get around the word “No”.
A small sampling of the behaviours we use to get around the word “No”:
- we scream and scream until finally those No-sayers realize their best choice is giving in…when we grow up we may learn ‘Transactional Analysis’ people call that behaving like a child…and others call it crying out for help
- we learn what is known as ‘Adult Behaviour’…i.e., socially-recommended stuff…this includes concepts like compromise, patience, and empathy, all of which tend to delay our near-term gratification.
Most people cry out for help [at least, every once in a while].
Some people cry out for help frequently.
Some people cry out for help at work.
Some people, on their own, have little ability to control their crying out for help.
They need help.
Using the Child from transactional analysis…
When a Child meets another Child, the response to a cry out for help is a cry for help.
We see this in our workplaces…cries for help are exchanged and cries for help escalate.
These cry-for-help versus cry-for-help interactions:
- eat up energy…they are heavy Emotion work for all involved &
- provide little, if any, value to anyone…either in the immediate-term or the long-term.
So, cry-for-help versus cry-for-help interactions are Problems.
There are many strategies for getting around these cry-for-help versus cry-for-help problems.
One of the best strategies is – Plan & Apply Rules.
Rules, when set, communicated and applied properly, place limits on Emotional work. With a little knowledge and practice, Rules can significantly reduce Emotional work. When this happens, self-confidence grows. In this way, Rules are conduits for self-confidence growth.
Using the transactional analysis words, Rules help the Child to develop into an Adult.
Rules send signals that express the boundaries around rewards...be they good or be they bad. That's how Rules encourage us to perform Good Habits and help us explore New Things in order to change our Bad Habits into Good Habits.
Rules help us know when to march and when to fight. That was a lesson I learned [over time] from one of my early bosses. He said, on a number of occasions, “There is a time to march and a time to fight.” He recognized I was far too busy fighting to be marching…on a clear path let alone in time with a drummer. He knew I would fight myself out of a job.
So, he regularly reminded me there are times when marching is the best thing to do. This helped me keep my job and gain an appreciation of rules. [And, it planted the seeds that allowed me to adjust my approach, removing Bad Habits and replacing them with Good Habits…I view it as a life-long process….one worth working at continuously.]
At Spirited Leaders, marching rules have evolved into “Master Rules”. Leaders have a right to set “Master Rules”; however, we recognize some folks may really object to using those two words.
I never objected to the fact we need rules and order.
That isn’t to say I did not break the rules regularly and dispute the intelligence of certain rules. [I did that regularly, actually more often than my co-workers.] While I have resisted certain rules and cried for help in reaction to some rules and some people who delivered rules poorly, I have been comfortable with the fact rules exist and the fact rules serve a purpose.
Why all these personal comments about rules?
Because:
- Rules are often seen as "No"...just like the "No" we heard when we were infants,
- "No" messages can trigger emotions and emotions consume brain energy...and that's work, Emotional work,
- Emotional work is personal and each of us has to do some self-examination if we want to feel better and succeed more when we deal with other people, and
- if we see cry-for-help problems, and we will see them at our workplace, we need plan how to communicate more openly about them...and then, when the dust isn't swirling, we need to do that communication.
People are different; people are amazingly unique.
Yet - most people understand the need for rules. Anarchists do not. Fortunately, anarchists are few in number. We must not confuse normal human reactions with acts of anarchy. Most people resist rules - that's normal - a part of human nature. Rules remove, reduce, delay, or change rewards. That's why we resist rules. We are more prone to resist the rules that connect with our personal desires. We have an easier time accepting rules that do not conflict with our near-term desires.
Most people know we need rules.
Most people know, at the very least, workplace rules create order by defining boundaries. When they are at work, people gain comfort when they understand the boundaries. They gain most comfort when they buy into the rules. That may not happen instantaneously...it may be a process over time.
When people understand workplace boundaries they understand why, from time to time, they will hear and see “No”.
When people understand they will hear and see “No”, they will have choices around how they are going to react to “No”. When people know they have choices, they have time to plan those choices.
People can plan how they want to react to hearing “No” at work:
- they can respond with a cry for help [like the Child does], or
- they can respond with making demands [like a Parent does], or
- they can respond with Good Workplace Habits [like an Adult does], and
- they can develop a set of responses, customized Good Workplace Habits [like a Leader must do and a Leader must help others do].
Straightforward plans & guidance, mentoring, and coaching will help people build a set of responses in the Adult Zone.