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Name of author Rick Baker, P.Eng.

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Criticism, Adrenalin Spikes & Improving Relationships

by Rick Baker
On May 15, 2017

Some people naturally repulse criticism. These people may show outward signs of their repulsion. These people may not show outward signs, or their repulsion may hide so well it would take a professional observer to notice it. Regardless, internally, these people churn in reaction to criticism. For these people - even small, innocuous pieces of feedback can trigger intense internal reactions, floods of adrenalin – adrenalin spikes.

  1. Do you know people who show vehement reaction to tiny criticisms…people who have zero tolerance for incoming criticism?
  2. Do you know people who, at first, show no outward reaction to criticism then, later, strike excessive reactionary blows against the person who delivered the criticism?
  3. Do you know people who have the habit of claiming they are the victim of undue criticism?
  4. Do you know people who repulse criticism yet deliver it to others with gusto and righteousness?

These are four common reactions to criticism.

I have personally exhibited at least three of these four reactions to criticism…and, probably, many people would think I’m selling myself short by not admitting to all four.

Why?

Why would I have had such reactions to criticism?

Not having much knowledge of physiology or biology and only dabbling experience with psychology I answer that question this way:

  • When people criticized me, I experienced adrenalin spikes [or was that cortisol?]. I felt strong, churning, tightening sensations in the gut…quickly followed by combinations of anxiety and anger, often intense anger...then excessive negative thoughts and behaviour.
  • This reaction must have started when I was a very young child. I have no memory of reacting any other way to criticism [until the last decade, that is].
  • Perhaps, my criticism-repulsion was are due to genetics? Perhaps, my childhood environment? Perhaps, my early experiences with authority figures? I expect it was some combination of these things.

Here’s a curious thing. When you experience criticism-repulsion as a child you can be quite oblivious to other people. And, this can cause challenges…a large variety of interpersonal challenges. Left unattended, these interpersonal challenges can last a lifetime.

Here’s some good news. It is possible to gain self-understanding and create strategies to overcome the interpersonal challenges. The starting point, or at least one starting point, is recognition of the physiological changes that signal less-than-ideal reactions to criticism. People, perhaps most people, can alter their bad habits [including adrenalin spikes] if they choose to make the changes and do the work required.

 

PS: Perhaps, the people who experience the criticism-repulsion I have described are most capable of identifying it in other people? ... and helping others?  

Conflict at our offices: is it a foe or a friend?

by Rick Baker
On May 8, 2017

I have experienced some synchronicity around this topic...I have witnessed several unrelated instances...some people have complained about the interpersonal damages done by office conflict while others have applauded the value office conflicts have injected into innovative and creative processes. 

Business empires have been built around office conflicts and 'crucial conversations'. In some cases the empires are bestselling books, must-do and how-to manuals aimed at teaching people how to diffuse, reduce, remove office conflicts. At the other end of the spectrum, we have a touted genius-of-our-time and an empire formed around the legacy of a partially-eaten apple. 

And, interpersonal conflicts create huge challenges in family businesses: parent-child rifts, sibling rivalry, family distrusts. When these entrenchments exist it is easy to determine the cause/fault. It always rests with the other guy! 

On the other hand, according to some experts, strongly-expressed differences of opinion lead to creative breakthroughs. Thick-skinned people locking horns in boardrooms and other meeting rooms...generating many diverse ideas...reaching a single decision...enjoying consensus...working in unison...achieving desired goals. 

Radically different views about Office Conflicts!

What's your personal comfort zone?

Your comfort zone: that's the key area...

What's your personal comfort zone?

  1. How far are you prepared to stretch your comfort zone to accommodate other people's viewpoints? 
  2. How open are you to accept different styles of communication when other people express their viewpoints?
  3. How clearly do you communicate your personal values and rules?

Put another way:

  1. Are you open to 'possibilities and 'new things'?
  2. Are you open to different personalities and communication styles?
  3. Do you know and share these important aspects of your character...telling stories to explain why you are the way you are?
As the ancient Greek maxim goes - "Know Thyself".

When you know yourself and know how to share important aspects of yourself with others you have the opportunity to be part of teams that excel at communication.
 
Internally - These successful teams may operate in friendly ways or in not-so-friendly ways.
Externally - These successful teams will present a unified front.
From Your Perspective - These successful teams will be inspiring, productive and gratifying.

Do Unto Yourself Before You Do Unto Others

by Rick Baker
On Apr 18, 2017

The Thinking Behind The Tweet

Do unto others as you would have them do to unto you

[The Golden Rule...the foundation of major religions]

***

Don't do unto others what you wouldn't want them to do unto you

[a restatement that aligns with a Spirited definition of Integrity]

***

Do Unto Yourself Before You Do Unto Others

[a restatement that adds even tougher limits...and thickens the skin]

***

He who carries the gold makes the rules

[as if that's not enough of them - another Golden Rule]

***

Constructive Criticism - make sure you can take a self-injection of that oxymoron

Say “Adieu” and then forget.

by Rick Baker
On Jan 9, 2017

Forgetfulness plagues us all. At least from time to time, everyone forgets things. We forget things on our shopping lists, we forget the places where things are located on grocery store shelves, and sometimes we forget where we parked our cars in those massive shopping mall parking lots. Forgetfulness comes to us easily. It’s a natural thing. Sometimes we can forget two or more of these things during one visit to the grocery store. When we forget these things [as long as our spouse doesn’t make a big deal out of it] we rather quickly write off our forgetful experiences.

On the other hand, if someone steals that last open parking space we have been zeroing in on then we will have a tough time forgetting their ignorance, rudeness, and self-centeredness.

Most of us can quickly forget and forgive the grocery store people after they pick such good hiding places for the most-important things on our grocery lists. However, many of us will not treat grocery store parking-space thieves so kindly. At the very least, we will ruminate about their ignorance, rudeness and self-centeredness. At most, we will fight the parking-space thieves until one of us is dead. Between these two extremes we will retell the stories of parking-space thievery to our relatives, friends and coworkers until we have exhausted our inability to forget. When we finally let go of such tough-to-forget incidents they will leave no vacancies in our minds because other ignorant, rude and self-centered people will fill the voids by bringing other unforgettable experiences to us.

Sometimes we really struggle to forget things, especially the negative experiences brought to us by others.

Our minds exhibit curious abilities, including:

  • our minds are quick to blame others for our negative experiences and
  • our minds hold onto negatives and are fully receptive to upgrading negative content by adding fresh, unforgettable negative memories.

These are symptoms of our unforgettable-negatives mindsets. These are weaknesses. These are bad habits.

With persistent work, the bad habit of unforgettable-negatives mindsets can be corrected. 

All we need to do is understand and believe forgetfulness comes to us easily and upon that foundation build the good habit of looking our 'unforgettable experiences' in the eye and persistently bidding them, “Adieu”. 

Trust is a fragile thing.

by Rick Baker
On Dec 28, 2016

Trust is a fragile thing.

Two people share trust then one of them perceives an injustice and trust quickly comes into question. Whether the injury is 'real' or not, when the injury is perceived it is quite normal for the person who feels injured to retaliate...to seek revenge. Then trust is lost and anti-trust takes hold with a powerful appetite for growth.

The key to sustaining trust often sits at the point where one party perceives the other has done an unjust/unfair/unkind thing. At that point of recognition there is still opportunity to remedy the situation quickly and easily...at least relatively quickly and relatively easily.

When a perceived injury happens, the offending party may be oblivious. In many situations the real problem is the injured party has too-thin skin. Too-thin-skin and victim-thinking are common human frailties. These frailties are the consequence of lack of self-confidence. In other situations, the offending party may not be attentive or observant or empathic. Regardless of the reason, when one person perceives injury at the hands of another the offending party may be oblivious. The gap between of perceived injury and obliviousness is enough to fan the flames of distrust and revenge is, often, the natural conclusion. I say 'natural' because revenge isn't something reserved for the wicked and maladjusted. Revenge is in the genetic fabric of most human beings.

Revenge does not have to happen.

Revenge is like any other bad habit...it catches us, it gets repeated, it digs a deep habit-rut, then it owns us until the day we decide to work to overcome it. 

The best way to overcome revenge is to recognise it is not deviant behaviour. It is a natural behaviour that doesn't work too well in our current society. And, it is something a person can control if that person wishes to control it. First, we must identify the breeding ground for revenge. Revenge comes to life when we perceive offensive behaviour in others. So, we can nip revenge in the bud if we stop and think during the 'I-feel-offended stage'.

We can be more trusting and cut the other person some slack. We can accept our self-biased tendencies. We can accept our tendencies to protect and bolster our own ego. We can choose to understand these tendencies cause us to over-react to other people's actions and cause us, regularly, to perceive offence where none exists. And knowing these things we can choose to ignore that little voice that tells us "That person just injured me." When we choose not to be injured revenge-thinking will not arrive. 

As the saying goes, "You can act offensively but I don't have to feel offended." Even if another person is truly offensive, we do not have to feel offended. It is a choice. If we choose to not feel offended then revenge-thinking will not arrive.

Controlling egoic biases & refusing to be offended: we have these two ways to reduce/remove the need to feel revenge.

When we practice these two ways they become good habits, good habits that breed trust between us and other people.

Trust is a fragile thing - we can choose good habits that sustain & build it.

Do you believe trust is a fragile thing?

by Rick Baker
On Dec 2, 2015

It seems to me, trust is a fragile thing.

Two people share trust then one of them perceives an injustice and trust quickly comes into question. Whether the injury is 'real' or not, when the injury is perceived it is quite normal for the person who feels injured to retaliate...to seek revenge. Then trust is lost and anti-trust takes hold with a powerful appetite for growth.

The key to sustaining trust often sits at the point where one party perceives the other has done an unjust/unfair/unkind thing. At that point of recognition there is still opportunity to remedy the situation quickly and easily...at least relatively quickly and relatively easily.

When a perceived injury happens, the offending party may be oblivious. In many situations the real problem is the injured party has too-thin skin. Too-thin-skin and victim-thinking are common human frailties. These frailties are the consequence of lack of self-confidence. In other situations, the offending party may not be attentive or observant or empathic. Regardless of the reason, when one person perceives injury at the hands of another the offending party may be oblivious. The gap between of perceived injury and obliviousness is enough to fan the flames of distrust and revenge is, often, the natural conclusion. I say 'natural' because revenge isn't something reserved for the wicked and maladjusted. Revenge is in the genetic fabric of most human beings.

Revenge does not have to happen.

Revenge is like any other bad habit...it catches us, it gets repeated, it digs a deep habit-rut, then it owns us until the day we decide to work to overcome it. 

The best way to overcome revenge is to recognise it is not deviant behaviour. It is a natural behaviour that doesn't work too well in our current society. And, it is something a person can control if that person wishes to control it. First, we must identify the breeding ground for revenge. Revenge comes to life when we perceive offensive behaviour in others. So, we can nip revenge in the bud if we stop and think during the 'I-feel-offended stage'.

We can be more trusting and cut the other person some slack. We can accept our self-biased tendencies. We can accept our tendencies to protect and bolster our own ego. We can choose to understand these tendencies cause us to over-react to other people's actions and cause us, regularly, to perceive offence where none exists. And knowing these things we can choose to ignore that little voice that tells us "That person just injured me." When we choose not to be injured revenge-thinking will not arrive. 

As the saying goes, "You can act offensively but I don't have to feel offended." Even if another person is truly offensive, we do not have to feel offended. It is a choice. If we choose to not feel offended then revenge-thinking will not arrive.

Controlling egoic biases & refusing to be offended: we have these two ways to reduce/remove the need to feel revenge.

When we practice these two ways they become good habits, good habits that breed trust between us and other people.

Trust is a fragile thing - we can choose good habits that sustain & build it.


First posted April 10,2014

Copyright © 2012. W.F.C (Rick) Baker. All Rights Reserved.