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Name of author Rick Baker, P.Eng.

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Bully Fantasy

by Rick Baker
On Mar 1, 2016

Troubled underdeveloped minds grind away, trying to rule their frightened little worlds. Oh yes, those troubled minds argue and assault...especially, when they feel trapped in their own sticky webs.

And, when cornered by a stronger, more-impressive bully we find them whining weakly or cowering in victimized silence.

But, most of the time they live the bully fantasy...parading bully-deviations...oozing bully-bluster.

Wrapped up tightly in their own fears, they eagerly gobble up the gifts of tolerance they receive from most of the people they encounter.

The bully fantasy is a personal-strength-fantasy…a half-believe in personal strengths and self-worth…a strength-seeking mind under never-ending siege…completely surrounded by relentless personal weaknesses…always losing ground…always fighting…losing…denial…internal turmoil.

The 'Golden Circle' of Criticism

by Rick Baker
On Feb 24, 2016

Why do you deliver criticism?

How do you deliver criticism?

What criticism do you deliver?

I'm borrowing Simon Sinek's ‘Golden Circle' thinking here.

Criticism, in one shape or another, is a gift brought to us by Mother Nature. Animals guard their turf, their mates and their food and illustrate ‘cease and desist’ criticism when they feel their turf, mates or food [or is it, their possessions] are at risk. When we consider the way criticisms occur between creatures in Nature, it makes sense. It often appears primitive and harsh to us, however, we understand Why it is happening. Misquoting Darwin – in Nature, it’s about survival of the fittest. And, one of the first steps to survival is expressing displeasure when other animals invade your territory or threaten your possessions.

But, does that explain Why humans deliver criticism? Is it that simple? It seems to me that doesn’t go far enough to explain the Why behind people’s criticism of others [let alone criticism of self]. With people, there’s at least one other big factor at play – we call it ‘ego’. Each of us has an image/persona we want others to perceive when they think about us or interact with us. And that ‘ego-drive’ often causes us to express our different viewpoints to others…even when we know there can and likely will be negative repercussions.

To the extent our criticism is rooted in basic needs like the other creatures, we should make sure we have some level of self-control because survival of the fittest never described evolution…rather, evolution is about survival of the most adaptable. Evolution-theory, if it teaches us anything it teaches us we ought to adapt. So, we should at least give a little consideration to adapting the Why that sits at the roots of our need to criticize.

Moving beyond Why, on to How

How do you deliver criticism? With intent? Unknowingly? Pre-planned? Impromptu? With logic? With emotion? With both? And, what reactions have you observed as you test your different approaches?

Finally, What criticism do you deliver?  Do you only criticize actions that violate things that are sacred to you, your personal values, or your master rules? Or, are you indiscriminate? I mean, is criticism a daily free-for-all activity where anything and everything other people say or do or don’t say or don’t do fair game for your incessant nitpicking?

Tags:

Criticism: Constructive Criticism is an Oxymoron | Master Rules | Values: Personal Values

Be There, Be Positive.

by Rick Baker
On Feb 8, 2016

Sure, we can be distracted or negative but let's remember we have these other two choices: being there and being positive.

If you are not naturally inclined to ‘be there’ and ‘be positive’ it will take some time and effort to adjust your mindset into those zones. 

Being There: It is easier to 'be there' when you are curious, tolerant, and truly interested in other people.

Being Positive: It is easier to 'be positive' when you are genetically predisposed toward optimism, hopeful about the future, and creative enough to envision alternatives and possibilities.

Perhaps, you are not at this time blessed with any of these traits.

Regardless, you can become an expert at 'being there' and 'being positive'.

Yes, any normal human being can become an expert at 'being there' and 'being positive'. It will, of course, require some effort. It will require some thought. It will require some education - ideally, self-education over a patient period of time. In addition, it will require a desire to grow and excel as a person. And, a good sense of humour will help you along the way.

There is no perfect approach to developing the abilities to 'be there' and 'be present'. These abilities are built over time, by trial and error, and you will make missteps along the way.

It seems to me one of the most important considerations is 'control'. To fully succeed you must understand and (wholeheartedly) believe you can control yourself. To fully succeed you must understand and (unconditionally) accept you cannot control other people or situations. The more you believe in and practice self-control the greater your ability to 'be there' and 'be positive'. The more you accept the limitations around your ability to control other people and situations the greater your ability to 'be there' and 'be positive'.

To be clear - I'm not talking about 'fundamentalist' perfectionism...or about taking huge leaps or about making major sacrifices.  I'm talking about taking some initial small steps aimed at 'experiencing the moment' as an observer. I'm talking about setting personal desires/goals aside for brief moments...long enough to listen to one other human being. I'm talking about imagining another possibility that isn't laced with annoyances (or doom-and-gloom thinking). I'm talking about trusting others. I'm talking about thinking between the lines of other people's comments/actions rather than jumping all over them and proving you are right and they are wrong.

 

PS: Now this all makes sense doesn't it? I mean, it makes sense at least until all that adrenalin and cortisol kicks in.

Captiousness and Capriciousness

by Rick Baker
On Feb 5, 2016

Each of these on its own can  signal impending problems. Put the two together and...what a recipe for stresses and strains and interpersonal disasters. 

Some people will say, "But, I  don't even know what those words mean."

No kidding!

Nobody Likes Tired People

by Rick Baker
On Nov 5, 2015

When you get right down to it, nobody likes tired people. You cannot count on tired people. Tired people may not be there when you want or need their help. Tired people lower the energy bar…others tend to mirror their lack of energy…so when tired people enter the room the atmosphere becomes de-energized. Tired people may not finish the tasks at hand…they may run out of energy before the job is done. Tired people may quit too quickly, quit too easily…giving up before the goal is achieved…letting down co-workers.

There’s a long list of reasons why nobody likes tired people.

In addition, for a variety of reasons, Nobody Likes:

  • Lazy people
  • People who lie, cheat, or steal
  • Loud people
  • Greedy people
  • Demanding people
  • People who boast
  • People who complain 
  • Angry people
  • Intolerant people
  • People who know it all
  • Disagreeable people
  • Argumentative people
  • Holier-than-thou people
  • Smug people
  • Condescending people
  • Arrogant people

With a little more thought we could add a number of other off-putting personality traits/operating styles.

When you stop to think of it, there sure are lots of ways to annoy other people and put them off.

Putting one another off: that's part of the human condition.

This leads to two conclusions:

  1. We need thick skin. We will, at least from time to time, exhibit off-putting behaviour. Others will be put off by our behaviour and they will make that clear to us by expressing criticism. We must be prepared for that. When it arrives, we must keep our ego in check. We must accept that as part of the human condition. We must focus on desired goals rather than undesired behaviour [on the route to those goals].
  2. We need to fight the urge to criticize others. We are susceptible to Attribution Bias, which distorts our view of reality and our view of other people's frailties and errors. We cannot allow ourselves to get bogged down in petty-opinion conflicts. We must focus on goals...we must focus on the Why! We must help others perform the tasks that lead to successful performance.

If you treat people like losers, you will not see them win.

by Rick Baker
On Oct 20, 2015

If you treat people like losers, you will not see them win:

  • You will see some of them lose
  • You will see the rest of them leave

Some people tolerate abuse. There's never a positive reason behind that tolerance.

Perhaps, they tolerate your abuse because they are in fear [and fear is closely related to weakness]. Often, weak people stay in abusive situations. Rarely, do they 'win'...so, you see them lose.

Perhaps, they tolerate your abuse because they have a hidden agenda. If this is the case then their goals do not align with your goals so they stay and work in dysfunctional ways to get what they are after. Meanwhile, you get to sense their dysfunction and watch them fail to achieve the goals you have chosen for them. You see them lose. These people may or may not be weak...unless you define deviousness as a weakness...in which case they will qualify as weak.

Some people are stronger than others. You probably will not be too skilled at perceiving this because you have the habit of abusing people.

On the other hand, if people leave after you abuse them then it is a safe bet they were your strong people.

When these people leave you will not see them win.

[Except when they choose to compete with you…in which case you will have the opportunity to receive repeated doses of feedback about their successes.]

 

Copyright © 2012. W.F.C (Rick) Baker. All Rights Reserved.