When it comes to repairing damaged relationships, three simple tools provide a great deal of value.

Here's an introduction to the 3 tools...

Tool #1 - from Eric Berne's work in the 1950's - 'Transactional Analysis'

People communicate 3 ways: Parent, Adult, Child. When you communicate with people, especially when situations are challenging, choose the Adult approach. Otherwise, you run the risk of Parent-Child communications or worse still Child-Child communications, both of which are not productive in business.

Tool #2 - from Patterson, MacMillan, Grenny & Switzler's recent work - 'Crucial Conversations'

'Crucial Conversations' happen when people disagree, emotions are charged, and the stakes are high. When approaching such conversations it is important to decide, up-front, the specific problem you wish to address. Is it a problem of dysfunctional Content? Is the problem a repeated Pattern of poor behaviour? Is the problem relationship damaging behaviour? Decide which problem form is to be addressed and limit your conversation to that single problem.

Tool #3 - from Mark Weber - Interests, Rights, & Power [see Thought Post]

When we have disputes with people we have the ability to focus on Interests [the things we want], Rights [the things we are entitled to], or Power [the Rights we can enforce]. When resolving a dispute, we do better when we focus on Interests. 

Of course, much more can be said about all 3 of these concepts/tools. However, there is much to be gained by keeping it simple by considering the 3 pictures and the 3 pieces of advice:

1. Think and talk like an Adult, not like a Parent or a Child.
2. Test the nature of the dispute: is it a behaviour Content problem, a repeated Pattern of behaviour problem, or a Relationship problem. Pick only one of these types and stick to discussing the problem in that way.
3. Recognize that people have Interests and thoughts about Rights and Power. To resolve disputes, focus on Interests and avoid arguments that escalate into Rights and Power territory.

Thought Tweet #789 When it comes to people, each of us has some home-made putty to deal with: we can start with self.

The Thinking Behind The Tweet

Business is about people, process, and situations. People create the process and people create most of the situations.

So, when you boil it down business is about people.

We all know that.

And, we all forget it…at least from time to time each of us forgets it.

When it comes to people, each of us has some home-made putty to deal with: we can start with self. How can we expect to have any success leading other people if we cannot develop skill at leading self?

Napoleon Bonaparte had it right when he said, “If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self”. When we understand self we have a chance to guide self to better places. When we understand self we have a chance to increase our good habits and reduce our bad habits. When we understand self we have confidence and we are better-able to tackle new things. This is what Napoleon taught when he said, “conquer self”.

What is a Habit?

A Habit is a repeated behaviour...a repeated action.

Habits fall under the influence of the subconscious part of our minds. Habits are either fully under the influence of the subconscious mind or for the most part under the influence of the subconscious mind.

Yes - we weigh Habits with conscious thoughts. But, we do Habits because of subconscious influences.

As an example, breathing is a Habit. It happens under the influence of the subconscious mind. Yes - we can think about how we breathe and we can decide to hold our breath. To that extent, our conscious mind can influence breathing. However, the influence of the conscious mind is short-lived. After holding our breath for a period of time we either give up and breathe or we pass out. Either way, the subconscious mind has taken over and it causes us to breathe again.

With respect to Habits, the conscious mind is much weaker than the subconscious mind.

However, there is some good news: we have the ability to use conscious thought to impress change on the subconscious influences and, with skilled practice, over time, the conscious mind can exert its will on the subconscious mind and change Habits. For example, the current world record for holding one's breath under water is currently over 22 minutes! Over time, with practice, meditation can help the conscious mind exert control over the subconscious. For example, meditating gurus can slow their heart rates to extremely low levels.

Those are examples of ways to change Habits. They can be used to change Habits from Bad to Good...i.e., changing for the better.

The process for changing Habits is challenging - it is a battle that pits conscious will for long-term gain and doing the right things against near-term gratification.

For Spirited Leaders, Good Habits are actions that help us achieve our long-term goals [including living up to our personal values and standards of character] while Bad Habits are actions that do not help us achieve our long-term goals. So, stated another way, it is a battle that pits a conscious effort to do better actions against subconscious urges to do worse actions.

More about Habits.