Most people would agree, it makes sense to have ‘thick skin’ so when people say and do things that are negative toward you those things do not cause injury.

 

Some people are bullies. Nobody trusts them. But, bullies can get to you if you let them. Bullies are, by nature, offensive and if your skin is too thin then bullies can offend you. So, from a young age, we are taught how to deal with bullies. We know the intent behind the actions of the bully: the intent is to offend. So, when our willpower holds firm we can cause the bullies to fail. There are many examples of how this process can work. Mahatma Gandhi illustrated it to the world during the first half of the 20th Century.

 

So, when we see intent to offend coming at us we label the ‘offender’ a bully and we call up our ‘defensive strategies’ to protect ourselves from offense and injury.

 

The question is, egos being what egos are – how skilled are we at differentiating between bullies and other folks who mean no offense?

 

There is no question: from time to time we misinterpret other people’s intentions. Attribution bias can confuse us. Our moods can influence us. All kinds of things can fog our judgment.

 

Here is a single example, everyone can relate to: interrupting a conversation.

 

 

When you are speaking and someone interrupts you, how do you feel and what do you do?

 

We see many different reactions…here’s a sampling:

• Some people stop talking mid-sentence and allow the other person to replace their conversation
• Some people keep talking, as if the interruption didn’t happen
• Some people raise their voice in an effort to override the interrupter
• Some people politely say something like, “Excuse me, may I finish my point.”
• Some people less-politely and more-firmly say something like, “Hey, it’s not your turn to talk.”
• Some people get very angry and say much worse things, using much-louder voices

Whether the interruption came from an intentional bully or from an excited friend or co-worker…it could be received as an incivility. When received as an incivility, the interruption will cause the offended person to become more timid or become more vexed…it depends on the person’s ‘nature’.

 

Now, all that can happen with everyday occurrences…like, an interruption of conversation.

 

Imagine how the interpersonal sensitivities become magnified when there is more at stake. Imagine how the situation changes when one person is The Boss and the other person…isn’t. The balance of power in conversation has shifted in favour of one person. [At least, most bosses would tell you that.] So, when conversations take place the game has changed:

• What happens when the subordinate interrupts the boss?
• What happens when the boss interrupts the subordinate?
• What happens when the boss criticises the subordinate?
• What happens when the subordinate criticises the boss?

Now, when it comes to incivilities and offending other people the example of interrupting a conversation is like a shaving off the tip of the iceberg.

 

The list of things that can offend people is lengthy…the ways to offend are almost limitless.

 

As examples*:

• Talking loudly in common areas
• Arriving late
• Not introducing a newcomer
• Failing to return a phone call
• Showing little interest in another individual’s opinion

Without much thought…each of us could add a few dozen more examples to the list.

 

Whether we intend to offend others or not…often…they get offended.

 

Constructive Criticism…no question – that’s an oxymoron.

 

PS: To gain business advantage, we recommend self-monitoring and “The Master Rules”

 

 

A link to more about The Master Rules.

 

Source of this list: ‘The Cost of Bad Behavior – How Incivility Is Damaging Your Business and What to Do About It,’ Christine Persona & Christine Porath [2009]. From this book…

 

Ten years ago, Jim Collins wrote about getting the right people on the bus.

 

And, business people and business teachers have been talking about getting the right people on the bus ever since.

 

Many of the business people who talk about getting the right people on the bus struggle to get that done.

 

Specifically, many business people struggle with:

• Repositioning and removing the wrong [existing] people from their business bus
• Attracting and hiring the right [new] people for their business bus

We see evidence of this pretty much daily.

 

It bothers us. It bothers us because we know many people suffer when people don’t fit on the business bus.

 

It is not a matter of who is right and who is wrong.

 

For some people, the use of the words ‘getting the right people on the bus’ compounds their problems.

 

 

Who is right and who is wrong is subjective…just ask anyone or everyone! The more people you ask the more subjectivity you will discover.

 

Rather than dwelling on who is right and who is wrong, business leaders should dwell on 2 things:

1. Character Differences…particularly, the interplay between individual’s egos
2. Individual’s Talents…particularly, the extent individual’s talents deliver value to the business

For each of these major areas, we will provide a few thoughts… the tips of icebergs. And, please, think of these 2 major areas as icebergs. If you spend some time then you can understand what exists at the surface. However, it will be much more difficult to understand what lies below the surface. Most people have not taken the time to understand their own character. Many people are uncomfortable with the topic…so it must be addressed with at least a bit of empathy. Similarly, most people have not taken the time to understand their business strengths. Many people will be able to describe success stories; however, they will have much more difficulty accurately describing the roots of their successes.

 

 

At the time of hiring or working at stuff that may result in de-hiring, consider several questions. As examples:

• Will these egos be under control?
• What are the major differences in character?
• What personal ‘rules’ caused these differences in character?
• When push comes to shove and those personal ‘rules’ are tested…what conflicts and dis-ease do you anticipate?
• Will those anticipated conflicts and dis-eases be tolerable?

 

At the time of hiring or working at stuff that may result in de-hiring, consider several questions. As examples:

• How do you define strength of character?
• What tasks/actions are critical at your business and what talents/strengths must an individual have to repeatedly do those tasks/actions in at least a very good way…hopefully, in a near-perfect way?

And –

 

How do you set the balance between Character and Strengths?

 

Will task & action Strengths outmuscle weak Character?