by Rick Baker
On Oct 24, 2013
Some people simply do not get along.
And, they never will.
So - they will never work together in harmony.
When you experience incivility at work or other forms of 'people not getting along', it is important to determine whether or not the situation you are facing is one where the people are never going to work together in harmony. This is important because if, in reality, people are battling and have made their minds up to never get along then there is no value in trying to influence them to change. You will never cause them to get along. The best you can do is cause them to behave in less-destructive ways.
In fact, to generate constructive change you only have two options:
- One of the people must leave or
- One or both of the people must accept, truly accept, subordination to your demands and the fact he/she/they will have no control over the situation or the other person.
Beware: it is rare for people to be comfortable and truly accept a situation they cannot control. It is also rare for people to exercise full control over themselves when they know they will never be able to work in harmony with and are conflicted with another person. Human nature - actually, the human ego - places strong demands around locus of control and sphere of influence. People are uncomfortable when they are in conflict with others and doubly uncomfortable when they know they have no or little ability to change that situation.
Yes, I know, people can change. So, there is always a possibility the two conflicting people may get along some day. However, when people are really dug in against one another that's a sucker's bet. That's a very-low-probability-of-winning bet.
So, working to cause two die-hard people in conflict to change their attitudes toward one another is the wrong approach.
Instead, when you think two people will never be able to work together in harmony:
- Communicate your perspective of that situation to both of them...might as well sit the two of them down and talk to both at the same time...that will let them know you are not playing favourites and it will ensure both hear/witness the same message
- Obtain their agreement that your perspective is accurate...if one or both argue against your perspective then that could be a sign there could be hope for improvement...or it could be a really bad sign [you will have to use your judgement]
- Present the two options described above, telling both people you will use their input then make your decision [i.e., you will make a Consultative Decision after each of them has had an opportunity to provide their perspectives]
- Ask for their preferences...repeat the request at least twice so they understand you are serious
- Part company...if either person requests more discussion then make it clear that will only happen if the other person is present...you want full communication
- Make your decision, i.e., either (1) one goes or (2) both stay and agree to work within the boundaries you set
- Communicate your decision to both...whether one person remains or both people remain, explain your boundaries in writing so that person [those people] know exactly your expectations and how you will address future situations of this nature
- Monitor their actions and enforce your boundaries
This approach has several benefits. As examples -
- You cannot ignore situations where people are never going to work in harmony...sooner or later these situations get worse and cost much time and money
- Situations where people are never going to work in harmony affect everyone and mess up your business culture...people expect leaders to address and resolve these sorts of situations...the best employees leave when they see these situations linger and fester
- In the event your perception is wrong - in the event the situation is not really a never going to work in harmony situation - the two people may see the light, get their egos under control, and clean up their acts...in which case the problem will be solved in a win-win-win way and everyone can walk away feeling good about themselves and the other people
- The process you develop can be used to nip these situations in the bud if they arise in the future